And it sucks. Because you know when you’ve loved something or someone for SO long only to realize that you fell out of love and it doesn’t serve you anymore? It’s so damn hard to let go, isn’t it? So you resist, you convince yourself, you force it, you hold on… until that love almost becomes Hate. And that realisation is scary.
I’m breaking up with the gym. Lifting weights has been my passion for as long as I can remember – more than half my life actually. I’ve been known for ‘the badass chick who lifts heavier than the boys in the gym’. That label I carried for years; it made me feel strong, empowered and proud. I used to LOVE hitting the big weights 5-6 days a week, killing my workouts through blood, sweat and tears (not even exaggerating). I wouldn’t miss a single workout – that gym time was my ME time. I LOVED it. I really did. It was who I was and what I did.
About two years ago, I burned out – training for powerlifting + starting my business from scratch was too much to handle for my nervous system. I got a hip injury, was falling asleep everywhere, couldn’t focus on my work and my performance in the gym was decreasing. I remember squatting my first rep during a workout, having to drop the bar on the floor because I couldn’t even squat back up and bursting into tears, I was so over trained. That’s when I started slowing down from the powerlifting type of training. I still went to the gym 5-6 days a week but trained differently – less volume on the heavy weights. For over a year, I was juggling between wanting to lift heavy again, being a bit bored in the gym, doing it because that’s what I always did, out of habit, trying out new gyms to seek a new motivation, starting a powerlifting prep earlier this year just to have a purpose again…
Only to realize in the past few months that I’ve grown to dislike the gym with a passion. And I’ve been getting signs for like 8 months! I remember in the Fall last year I had some moments I was like ‘hmmm, I’ve been skipping workouts and I actually don’t want to be here today to train’. I thought it was just a phase, I just needed a break or to change things up… I burned myself before the Holidays as well so I blamed it on that. And that’s why in January I was like LETS PREP FOR A POWERLIFTING COMPETITION! Because that was my ‘label’; that’s what I felt was EXPECTED from me – ‘Claudia is strong and lifts weights. That’s what she does. So there’s NO way she could hate the gym, right?’
What would people say?!
Who gives a f*ck what people say?! I was in the gym last week with my boyfriend and was like I actually HATE being in here now. And it’s still such a mind f*ck to realize that I went from LOVING IT to hating it. But that’s only because I FORCED myself to keep going for like 2 years when my GUT was telling me to STOP. I’ve been craving to SKATE and do YOGA and BIKE and MOVE OUTSIDE and I’ve been resisting it because to me, that’s not ‘real’ training. What the hell?! I tell my clients EVERYDAY that they don’t have to step into a gym to move their bodies and be healthy!!! Yet, I wasn’t listening to my own advice – just because of how I’ve been programmed.
So guess what!? I bought a BIKE and I can’t wait to ride it all Summer. I go skating every single week and (scoop!!!) I’m planning a competition comeback soonish. I workout OUTSIDE – bodyweight and FUN stuff. I hit the gym once in a while when I FEEL LIKE IT. And do all my favorite exercises. It’s still hard guys, I won’t lie to you. To see your body changing from not lifting heavy anymore, to still feel guilty for not hitting the gym as often, to go through this break up and follow your REAL AUTHENTIC SELF instead of what you think is expected from you – it’s hard… but so freeing.
Because when you let go of such a big part of you, what’s left?
Actually, what’s left is YOU. The real authentic YOU. Right here, right now.
Will I ever go back to powerlifting or being in the gym 5-6 days a week? Maybe. Maybe not. But if I do, it won’t be because I’m forcing it on myself. It will come from my gut and from what I truly want.
Going through a break up is not easy. But what’s on the other side, all the lessons and a-ha moments is magical!
I hope my story inspires you somehow to connect with your real self and to move your body in a way YOU love.
Health is from the inside out. Let’s chat if this resonates with you and don’t hesitate to share!